so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
