Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
