he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
