In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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