I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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