He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
