i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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