Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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