I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize