I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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