True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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