guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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