dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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