Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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