I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize