Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
