So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
