I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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