your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just want nice things and good sex
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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