At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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