I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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