you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize