So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
