My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
