So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
