Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
