if you like me you must not know who I am
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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