I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
