As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
