So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
