The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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