The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
