Someone shit on the floor
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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