you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
