So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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