just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
