I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
