All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
