i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
