That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
