At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
