god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
