did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
