My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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