I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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