If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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