My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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