people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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