I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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