why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
