I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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