I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
