oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize