Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
