All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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