i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
