Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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