Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
