I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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