glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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